A weekend of oppositions and ambivalence

This was a weekend of feeling inside and outside.

Lawn talks with Claire always illuminate the particulars of Columbia social phenomena.
Chinese tourists came and took our picture as we were sitting on the lawn... they asked if they could share the sunshine with us, which was a pretty good line. Still felt a bit like a zoo animal.
Claire and I both found ourselves the only sophomore among freshmen on Friday night and though there was a cringe in there somewhere it was sort of refreshing to talk to people who hadn't yet learned to pretend they don't want to make friends with anyone. They were friendly but there was still a feeling of difference. I was in a room of NYU Tisch kids from California and I was the only one who had experienced a New York winter. They acted all impressed that I went to Barnard, luckily I could say I'm considering an Art History major. The crazy buzz of your first month in the city is no longer in me. It's a more enduring, dimmer flame. I'm slightly more the insider with the city but the outsider in that 17th floor room.

Saturday we were on our way to this riot grrrl book reading where Kathleen Hanna was going to be talking. A woman begging on the train caused everyone to be very silent even though she was loud. We gave her some change. We were white girls listening to an ipod going to Brooklyn for fun. Two black ladies with lots of jewelry kept their purses closed.
On the bus we met another "riot grrrl" named Buzz who joined us on our walk over. We sort of accidentally ended up in that extremely and exclusively Hasidic triangle of Williamsburg just when some religious leader was about to walk down the street. We were directed by police to walk on the women's side of the barricade. The streets were crowded with people in their traditional clothes all speaking Hebrew, looking at us: we were the only non-members of the society. I don't think I've ever experienced a situation where I was so extremely and obviously the outsider. Meanwhile, I talked to Buzz about riot grrrl and different things and felt like this bygone movement still had power and I was somehow connected. A few minutes later, when we reached our destination, dozens of people were lined up outside. All these kids crowded in to hear Kathleen and the sense of alienation I had just felt so intensely was completely reversed, considering I had never even met anyone who cared about riot grrrl at all until less than a year ago.

Today it felt like fall and I bought some apples. I finished my painting alone in the studio listening to the Dodos. Then I put a sticker up outside the gates and felt a little bit a part of the community I was repping back home, even though I've never met them or anything.

Lastly, I've never been told I am "fucking cool" and to "stay snuggly" in the same day. Or ever for that matter. Life is so full of crazy shit. But ok, I'll run with it.