I have noticed that I have entered into a new state of mind lately. I am the least anxious I have been in a long time. This is an odd comparison to make and probably completely unreasonable, but I feel a bit like an electroshock therapy patient. My only knowledge of what this would feel like is from The Bell Jar (by Sylvia Plath, will change your life).
What I mean is that my head floats around with looseness and detachment. I am relieved to be completely beyond anxiety about everything. It's an odd feeling, and a new one. Basically, I have exhausted my will power to a point of apathy. Take college for instance. I am shockingly not nervous or excited or worried about finding out where I will go. I have a blank feeling where anxiety once dwelled. (The actual idea of leaving for college is not even part of this because I haven't been able to picture that.)
Next example is Calculus, affectionately known as the bane of my existence. Last semester I was on edge all the time, always terrified, always hanging by a thread, always trying to claw back up. I'm beyond the point of no return now, and although I have a physical negative reaction to even looking at a page of problems, I have this bizarre calm that comes with logical surrender. I regard Calculus as almost comical because of how little I care about it and how absurd it is to waste time thinking about it.
On another note:
This is Low Happening by the Howling Bells out of Australia. Gabrielle Goodbar showed me this last year because it reminded her of me for some reason and it is one of my favorite music videos.
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